Through this study of friendship, we have seen that we are to be very careful how and who we choose for friends

In this lesson we will continue to follow that trail, and complete our answer to the third question. Even though my answer will be completed, that by no means indicates that we have come even close to covering all the information concerning friendship in the Bible. There is no time, today, to walk back over the territory that we’ve covered to this point, instead, I am going to jump right in, and if you need review, please get the back lessons and read to your heart’s content.

There are many areas in which we need to be very careful when choosing a friend. Each one of these areas could take a lesson or two to fully examine.

Luke 23:7-12 And as soon as he (Pilate) knew that He (Jesus) belonged to Herod's jurisdiction, he sent Him to Herod, who was also in Jerusalem at that time.  8 Now when Herod saw Jesus, he was exceedingly glad; for he had desired for a long time to see Him, because he had heard many things about Him, and he hoped to see some miracle done by Him.  9 Then he questioned Him with many words, but He answered him nothing.  10 And the chief priests and scribes stood and vehemently accused Him.  11 Then Herod, with his men of war, treated Him with contempt and mocked Him, arrayed Him in a gorgeous robe, and sent Him back to Pilate.  12 That very day Pilate and Herod became friends with each other, for before that they had been at enmity with each other.

Hatred, contempt, vindictiveness, etc. are not good attitudes, and far too often they are the qualities that start and continue many friendships.  That was the case with Pilate and Herod.

We must to be very careful when an issue is the starting factor of a friendship, whether that issue is social, political, religious, etc. Even when an issue involves a good cause, the involvement in that issue and the accomplishment of such an issue is often based on a form of hatred, contempt vindictiveness, etc..

All of these are powerful alliance-makers, but all of them are enemies of the spiritual walk, and are destroyers of the health and well being of the soul. Therefore, when a person’s friendship is based on an issue, they may have found what they thought they wanted for life, but in the process, they may have destroyed their own soul. This fact is seen in the friendship between Pilate and Herod. That same fact is true when friendships between Believers are established on a base of hatred, contempt, vindictiveness or anything of the same kind.

Turning Outward

Mark 8:35 For whoever desires to save his life (for oneself) will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel's will save it.

We want to establish a principle that is needed in the Biblical friendship process.  Please follow this principle carefully. The proper knowledge of this Biblical principle and its proper use in your life will be a key factory in choosing proper friends, being a proper friend, as well many other aspects of the Christian life.

First of all, as in any proper Biblical investigation, we must make sure we keep it in its context. If we miss the context, we will be like so many others who think they are teaching a good thing from this passage, while all along, they are teaching a false doctrine. Therefore, let’s make sure we understand at least some of the context, so we will know who Christ was talking to and referring to in this passage. Let’s back-track in this passage to...

Mark 8:27-29 Now Jesus and His disciples went out to the towns of Caesarea Philippi; and on the road He asked His disciples, saying to them, "Who do men say that I am?"  28 And they answered, "John the Baptist; but some say, Elijah; and others, one of the prophets."  29 He said to them, "But who do you say that I am?" And Peter answered and said to Him, "You are the Christ."

Please, pardon this rapid examination of these facts.  I’m endeavoring to establish to whom this passage is directed. If you are going to understand and fully comprehend the scope of this Biblical principle, you are going to have to impress on your mind to whom Christ was directing these remarks. Equally important is the reality of who He was not addressing in this passage.

If you are not solid in the understanding of those facts, when we get to some of these verses, your mind is going to say, “That passage is not talking to me.  It is talking to the non-believer.” The reason your mind is going to tell you that, is because many well intentioned speakers have used this passage to hammer the non-believer because they are still non-believers.

When used out of its context, this passage does make a real nice tool to evoke emotion in the hearts and minds of unbelievers. However, it makes no difference how well intentioned a person may be, if we take the Words of Christ and say that those words are addressing someone they are not addressing. What have we done? We have presented a falsehood! I used the term falsehood because, after all, the word lie is not healthy for our self-esteem.

Let’s jump ahead to v.34, to further establish the who is the main object of Christ’s conversation. Then on to the principle needed in making a Biblical friendship.

Mark 8:34-37 And when He had called the people to Him, with His disciples also, He said to them, "Whoever desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me.  35 "For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel's will save it.  36 "For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul?  37 "Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?

Christ had been talking with His disciples alone as we see in Mark 8:27 and following. During that private time, Peter give his great confession of Who Christ is. And just a few verses later, Christ had to rebuke Peter with, “Get behind Me, Satan! For you are not mindful of the things of God, but the things of men.”

Then in Mark 8:34, we see that Christ calls some other people over to hear what He has to say. However, notice they are bystanders to this continuing conversation of Christ with His disciples. The passage emphasizes that this conversation was directed to the disciples, and the other people were listening in. We see this fact from the structure of this passage, and we will see that the Holy Spirit gave us some supporting evidence in the other Gospels to establish this fact even stronger.

Notice again, in Mark 8:34 it says that Christ called the other people to Him, with His disciples, also. The main audience was the disciples.  This was an on going conversation with His disciples, but from this point on there are some invited on-lookers

Matthew 16:22-26 Then Peter took Him aside and began to rebuke Him, saying, "Far be it from You, Lord; this shall not happen to You!"  23 But He turned and said to Peter, "Get behind Me, Satan! You are an offense to Me, for you are not mindful of the things of God, but the things of men."  24 Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me.  25 "For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.  26 "For what is a man profited if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?

In the presentation of this same event by Matthew, the other people, mentioned in Mark, are of so little importance to the situation that they are not even mentioned. The statements were directed to the disciples.  Therefore, there was no real need to include the other people in the account given by Matthew.

The account by Luke also bears out this fact...

Luke 9:18-25 And it happened, as He was alone praying, that His disciples joined Him, and He asked them, saying, "Who do the crowds say that I am?"  19 So they answered and said, "John the Baptist, but some say Elijah; and others say that one of the old prophets has risen again."  20 He said to them, "But who do you say that I am?" Peter answered and said, "The Christ of God."  21 And He strictly warned and commanded them to tell this to no one,  22 saying, "The Son of Man must suffer many things, and be rejected by the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and be raised the third day."  23 Then He said to them all, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me.  24 "For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will save it.  25 "For what advantage is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and is himself destroyed or lost?

Dr. Luke added some detail that the other two writers did not. As we see from Mark, Christ and disciples left town.  Then Luke tells us that they went somewhere to pray alone, when this conversation started. Luke also tells us that, about mid-way in this conversation, Christ “said to them all“. If Luke was the only account, we would have no idea who these “them all“ mentioned in v.23 were. However from Mark, we’ve already seen that they were some people who Christ called over to be with Him while He finished His conversation with the disciples.

Isn’t it amazing how much we can learn if we are willing to compare and harmonize the Scriptures. There is much more about this conversation we could glean, but these facts are sufficient for our purpose of seeing that all three accounts establish the facts that:

We spent quite a bit of time doing this, and I trust we’ve learn several things in the process. However, the main purpose of this exercise was to establish that these remarks were directed to those who believed in Christ, and not to those who had rejected Him.

Mark 8:34-37 And when He had called the people to Him, with His disciples also, He said to them, "Whoever desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me.  35 "For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel's will save it.  36 "For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul?  37 "Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?
desires (Greek)
to will something and to press on to action;  to have a mind to
save (Greek)
can be used as: delivered from something, or delivered to something
lose (Greek)
to ruin;  to destroy fully; to perish.

This Greek word used for lose is often used of eternal or temporal destruction. This Greek word also has a wide range of usage, depending on the subject and context, as seen in...

2 John 1:8 Look to yourselves, that we do not lose those things we worked for, but that we may receive a full reward.
Romans 14:15 Yet if your brother is grieved because of your food, you are no longer walking in love. Do not destroy with your food the one for whom Christ died.

Lose in 2 John 1:8 and destroy in Romans 14:15 are English translations for the same Greek work as lose in Mark 8:34, and are used to express a similar thought. Let’s establish the principle.  Then look at some other aspects of Biblical friendship. This principle will be important as we look at these other aspects friendship, including the final application.

Self-Seeking

Whoever desires to sustain their life only for their own satisfaction and pleasure, then continually presses on to accomplish that desire will find that the real yearning of their soul is never satisfied and their soul will never find lasting fulfillment. They will only find chaos and emptiness.

Now is the time you need to remember that Christ in Mark 8:34-37 was talking to those who believed in Him, not those who had rejected Him

Mark 8:34-37 And when He had called the people to Him, with His disciples also, He said to them, "Whoever desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me.  35 "For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel's will save it.  36 "For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul?  37 "Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?

v.36 asks, “of what use or value would it be if a person gained not just their desire for personal satisfaction and pleasure, but everything in the worldly system, as well, yet lost their own soul?”

That question would certainly be true if expressed to the unsaved!  However, this is not a reference to the unsaved.  It is a reference to believers in Christ. We need to see that the Greek word for loses in v.36 is a different Greek word from that of lose in vs 35.

loses [Mark 8:36] (Greek)
to damage; to suffer loss or to forfeit status or gain
lose [Mark 8:35] (Greek)
to ruin;  to destroy fully;  to perish

This is the same Greek word used in reference to Believers standing before the Judgment Seat of Christ. Knowing the consistent nature of the Author of the Bible, the Holy Spirit, I don’t think this happened just by mere coincidence.

1 Corinthians 3:11-17 For no other foundation can anyone lay than that which is laid, which is Jesus Christ.  12 Now if anyone builds on this foundation with gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, straw,  13 each one's work will become manifest; for the Day will declare it, because it will be revealed by fire; and the fire will test each one's work, of what sort it is.  14 If anyone's work which he has built on it endures, he will receive a reward.  15 If anyone's work is burned, he will suffer loss; but he himself will be saved, yet so as through fire.  16 Do you not know that you are the temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you?  17 If anyone defiles the temple of God, God will destroy him. For the temple of God is holy, which temple you are.

The word loss in v.15 is the same Greek word as loses in Mark 8:36. With that in mind, let’s finish the principle we started earlier. Whoever desires to sustain their life only for their own satisfaction and pleasure, then continually presses on to accomplish that desire will find that the real yearning of their soul is never satisfied and their soul will never find lasting fulfillment, only chaos and emptiness. If you seek only your personal satisfaction and pleasure, and perchance you gain the same and more, you will know only spiritual emptiness and chaos in this life, and you will suffer loss in the life eternal.

On the other hand, if you willing give up your life for the sake of Christ and the gospel, you will know personal fulfillment, contentment and joy inexpressible now, and great rewards in the life eternal. This is a basic Biblical principle of the Christian life at all times and in all circumstances.

Therefore, it applies to the subject of friendship, as well. Please, keep this principle in mind, as we shift gears and look more directly at the friendship process...

Proverbs 18:24 A man who has friends must himself be friendly, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

The NIV has chosen to translate the first part of this passage very differently. When you see the definition of friendly, you’ll understand why they did as they did. Even so, comparing other Scripture and contexts, I would have to agree with the NKJV rather than the NIV.

friendly (Hebrew)
to spoil by breaking in pieces;  to break;  to make something useless;  to afflict;  to dash in pieces;  to shatter;  to be broken;  to shake violently, etc.

This Hebrew word is translated by many English words in the Old Testament:

24  times Evil
9    times Evildoers
7    times Hurt
5    times Wickedly
5    times Worse
5    times Wicked
4    times Grieved
3    times Afflicted
3    times Harm
3    times Break
2    times Grievous
2    times Ill
2    times Afflict
2    times Broken
1    time each:   Vexed, Hurting, Sad, Mischief, Associate, Evildoer, Behaved themselves ill, Waste, Punish
1    time    Friendly

Now, that’s strange, isn’t it? No! It won’t seem strange when and if you place it within the entire context of the Biblical teaching of friendship.

Remember the principle we looked at earlier in this lesson? If we want to save our life,  we must lose it for Christ. Add to that, the Biblical teachings of: Those who would be greatest must be servant, If you want to be first you must be last, etc. Being Biblically friendly is not gushing, or being slap-happy. We certainly should be congenial, pleasant, etc., but those things alone do not constitute God’s standard of what it means to be friendly. God's standard is being personally broken in pieces, with your personal interests shattered. First and foremost, it is having our interests, hopes, joys, and our very life lost for Christ’s sake, and the gospel’s sake.

When we have that proper Biblical attitude of friendliness towards Christ, then, and then only can we have the proper Biblical attitude of friendliness towards others.

Philippians 2:3-9 Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.  4 Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.  5 Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus,  6 who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God,  7 but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a servant, and coming in the likeness of men.  8 And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross.  9 Therefore God also has highly exalted Him and given Him the name which is above every name,

If this is the Biblical standard of Christian conduct, and it is, then why should the standard for Christian friendship be any less? If these principles are not at work in your life, and growing day by day as you live by the grace of God and the knowledge of Jesus Christ, then don’t talk to me about the great Christian life you are living. Maybe, you’ve never smoked, chewed, gone to the movies, worn lipstick, had body parts pierced, smiled or ever associated with anyone who has done those things. But if these things of Philippians 2:3-9 are not resident in your life, your motives, your attitudes and actions, etc., then you haven’t even taken the first steps towards living the life of Christ.

You may be living a very good moral life, but living the life of Christ is far beyond anything that morality ever thought of. You may be a goody two-shoes, you may have a very high opinion of yourself, those who know you may look up to you, but if this mind of Christ is not in you, alive and growing, you are a carnal believer.

Paul goes on with this same theme later in this section, and says, that He has not yet attained, but he keeps pressing forward. Paul concluded this part of his presentation by stating that those who do not have this same mind-set are immature believers.

Philippians 3:15-16 Therefore let us, as many as are mature, have this mind; and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal even this to you.  16 Nevertheless, to the degree that we have already attained, let us walk by the same rule, let us be of the same mind.

This is the standard of Christian maturity.  We have invented many kinds of manmade standards.  Many of those standards look good, but they do not measure up to what God expects of each believer. Not only does God expect this standard, He has supplied the grace, knowledge and the Holy Spirit so we can measure up to the full stature of Christ. The manmade standards measure our so called maturity by certain physical action, and if we are living better than others (whatever better is).

2 Corinthians 10:12 For we dare not class ourselves or compare ourselves with those who commend themselves. But they, measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.

Let, me read our passage again without comment, and you check to see if you are a carnal believer, or growing believer, according to the standard of God

Philippians 2:3-9 Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.  4 Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.  5 Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus,  6 who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God,  7 but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a servant, and coming in the likeness of men.  8 And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross.  9 Therefore God also has highly exalted Him and given Him the name which is above every name,

Very briefly, that’s God’s standard for our conduct, attitude, motive and relationship with others. Since this is God’s standard, why should we seek any less of a standard for our conduct within that relationship we call friendship. Instead of, trying to find a person who can befriend me in the manner in which I want, the emphases should be on me, personally, being the proper type of a person who would make a Biblical friend.

Once we, as Believers, establish a proper relationship with Christ, through that friendship with Christ, we will be totally satisfied, fulfilled and we will not need any other relationship to bring contentment to our lives. If along the way, in our walk with Christ, we find a human that truly brings a breath of fresh air into our living, we can consider that experience an added blessing from God.

In a proper relationship with Christ, we will not need to frantically seek, manipulate, and goodness knows what else, in an attempt to have companionship that we, somehow, think we can’t live without. If you truly become a friend with Christ, that experience will equip you to be friendly with others. And according to our passage in Proverbs 18:24, we will attract friends.

Remember, most friendships are started in order to find a little relief. That may not be the stated reason, but it is the foundation of most friendships. Human friendship alone cannot bring relief.

2 Corinthians 1:3-6 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,  4 who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.  5 For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also abounds through Christ.  6 Now if we are afflicted, it is for your consolation and salvation, which is effective for enduring the same sufferings which we also suffer. Or if we are comforted, it is for your consolation and salvation.

Most Believers have never accepted God's comfort for much of anything. The few times a believer does accept God’s comfort, they hold it as selfishly theirs, instead of looking and planing how they can use that comfort to help someone else in need. Oh, my Friends, there is so much in this passage, but let me just point out a couple of things.

Just because you received comfort from God, does not qualify you as a good candidate for proper friendship. Notice the passage well! There is the initial comforting from God.  The purpose of the comfort is so that we may be able to comfort others. That’s strange!  I thought comfort was so we wouldn’t hurt any more or feel bad. Maybe if we used God’s comfort for what it was designed, we might experience far more of God’s comfort. Look real close at the last part of that verse.  We can only comfort others with the comfort that we are presently being comforted with by God.

If we are not now being comforted by God, we do not have the resources with which to work. We don’t store up comfort. When a need comes around, we can’t reach into our storeroom and dust off some comfort that has been sitting on the shelf for a few years. This must be a constantly current process, it’s a daily walk!

One last thing from this passage. When we are receiving and have received comfort from God, then we have comfort to help in any trouble. You don’t have to be receiving comfort for the same type of trouble as someone else, to be able to share God comfort with them. God’s comfort is truly one size fits all!

Don’t leave me now! Remember, we started this trip down friendship lane, by looking at the fact that most people enter friendships to find relief from some problem or trouble in their lives. I then said , that such friendships were almost Biblical. The only problem is that a human friendship alone cannot relieve the pressure caused by these troubles. But when the believer is truly a friend of God, in a similar manner as Abraham, then that believer can, because of God’s comfort, help with the pressure from any trouble that others are in.

When both people in a friendship currently experience the comfort of God then, and then only, can they know the real truths of...

Proverbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.
Proverbs 27:6 Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.
Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.
John 15:12 This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.  13 Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends.

As a Believer, our concentration must be on our friendship with Christ. Not trying to find someone to befriend us, in the manner we desire. If our purpose, effort and time are spent being friendly with God we will be the type of a person and will be equipped to be a friend to any in any trouble. It is through this type of sacrificial giving of ourselves, instead of seeking to receive something from others, that we find personal fulfillment and contentment.

Try as I did, I could not cut enough from the lesson material to fit two more very important verses into this lesson. These verses will help us go from the subject of friendship to the fact of agapa Love. Therefore, we will use them as the introduction to our next lesson dealing with Question #(4) What is agapa love and how can it be part of my life?

defiled (Greek)
to taint  i.e.  contaminate;  to stain with color throughout as with glass rather than to smear on surface;  to cause color to change.
Hebrews 12:14-16 Pursue peace with all men, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord:  15 looking diligently lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled;  16 lest there be any fornicator or profane person like Esau, who for one morsel of food sold his birthright.
Psalms 15:1-3 Lord, who may abide in Your tabernacle? Who may dwell in Your holy hill?  2 He who walks uprightly, And works righteousness, And speaks the truth in his heart;  3 He who does not backbite with his tongue, Nor does evil to his neighbor, Nor does he take up a reproach against his friend;
© Clyde White, Austin TX, 2000